Wrecking Ball thoughts
Thursday 12 September 2013
I was curious so I watched Miley Cyrus' music video for Wrecking Ball. I'd seen gifs and screen captures of it: a nude Cyrus in a destroyed grey room, an extreme close up of her teary face. It was noticing a lyric that drew me in at last.
Being aware of worlds
Sunday 8 September 2013
I am an introvert. I enjoy being alone at least as much as I like being around other people, even if my feelings for myself are not always satisfactory. It's very easy being alone: the stress and anxiety of trying to please people, trying to make them or keep them liking you, being tactful, being interested in them, being funny, being mentally there with them - that disappears when you are alone.
But so do worlds. Worlds are that other people's lives, their minds, and presence. It is easy to distract yourself alone so you do not feel lonely, you do not miss having new worlds to explore. It's easy to get lost in your own mind. It's easy to think you don't need outside validation that you exist, that you matter, that your world has worth. And it's easy to forget how good it really feels.
And then suddenly, you are thrown back into that situation where you are made aware.
I walked into a room last night, fashionably late, obviously. I couldn't turn up on time, I didn't know every person I knew would be in that room. What if no one I knew was there yet? What do I say? How do I make people like me, make them pay attention to me until my friends do come? No, I avoided that. And as I took a second to look around at the people, to see who I recognised, which was tricky as most of them were wearing masks, I remember hearing a voice or two. I remember my head jerking to look in that direction. I saw my friends and I saw their faces lift a little. I saw widened smiles and sparkling eyes. And they were around me quicker than I could comprehend, arms around me, complaints that my hugs were too hurried and the interest in their voices as they asked how I was. In those seconds I was so aware of my existence in the world, in their worlds and theirs in mine. It is a beautiful feeling to know you mean something. It is easy to survive when you have forgotten how nice it is, but it shouldn't be.
But so do worlds. Worlds are that other people's lives, their minds, and presence. It is easy to distract yourself alone so you do not feel lonely, you do not miss having new worlds to explore. It's easy to get lost in your own mind. It's easy to think you don't need outside validation that you exist, that you matter, that your world has worth. And it's easy to forget how good it really feels.
And then suddenly, you are thrown back into that situation where you are made aware.
I walked into a room last night, fashionably late, obviously. I couldn't turn up on time, I didn't know every person I knew would be in that room. What if no one I knew was there yet? What do I say? How do I make people like me, make them pay attention to me until my friends do come? No, I avoided that. And as I took a second to look around at the people, to see who I recognised, which was tricky as most of them were wearing masks, I remember hearing a voice or two. I remember my head jerking to look in that direction. I saw my friends and I saw their faces lift a little. I saw widened smiles and sparkling eyes. And they were around me quicker than I could comprehend, arms around me, complaints that my hugs were too hurried and the interest in their voices as they asked how I was. In those seconds I was so aware of my existence in the world, in their worlds and theirs in mine. It is a beautiful feeling to know you mean something. It is easy to survive when you have forgotten how nice it is, but it shouldn't be.
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