When is enough enough?

I consider myself a feminist. Several male friends and acquaintances called me a 'feminazi' because I am vocal about this cause, even when I do not attack them personally, even if I only comment on their problematic behaviour occasionally (because actually the men in my life do not behave too badly).

I'm also into media. When my passion for media and feminism combine, sparks often fly between me and my male friends yet again. I tend to focus on the issues surround Doctor Who, one of the most watched sci fi tv shows in the world. It has a massive audience, ranging from children to OAPs and some of the groups who watch it are vulnerable and impressionable. So when I try and talk about the sexism and homophobia in the most recent series of such an important show, I get knocked back a lot.
You can call it a clash of opinions, that I'm bias against Steven Moffat (current show runner and head writer), that I don't see all the 'facts', but sometimes I don't want to fight anymore.

I might be vocal online, but I am not constantly vocal. I am not constantly angry and I do not want to be. I don't want to be harassed randomly to change my opinions - sorry, look at this other person's ideas and see that I'm wrong about some things because these are facts and I'm not aware of all the evidence against my beliefs (which trust me, I am not). But it happens. And frankly, I'm tired of it.

Maybe the timing has been all wrong recently, what with the anniversary of my grandfather's death today, but I'm done. I seriously considered closing my facebook account for a while because I'm tried of fighting with people then being told that there are more important things (by the person who started the discussion btw). I seriously considered closing my twitter so I wouldn't have to deal with anything on there either, though that is rarer. The only place I feel safe talking about this anymore is now tumblr because I created a safe place there. I don't even feel fully comfortable talking about this here. But I've had friendships and relationships ruined and seriously affected by my vocalisation and I am upset about that.

I'm not going to blame anyone. I'm not going to say certain people drove me to feel isolated, fearful of speaking my mind and generally ganged up on because I could never allow myself to let other people make me feel so horrible about myself. The doubt and insecurity has always been there, from the first time I was called a feminazi to my face a year and a half ago to the most recent "you don't listen to straight white men's opinions" comments (which I found unfair and untrue, but maybe I worded something wrong).

I promise I have no problem with debate. I have no problem with people with other ideas to me. But I'm starting to feel bullied and harassed, both online and in real life, and I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to cope with the constant strain of trying to prove I am still a good person with valid opinions. I would just like to be cut some slack for a little bit and if that means I have to stop being vocal and active in certain places, maybe that's the right thing for me to do. I haven't spoken to the people involved with the latest 'discussion' in three days and frankly I don't know if that will change any time soon. One of them I doubt I'll ever speak to again. This is not a healthy way for me to live my life. I should not be scared to talk to my friends about something that matters to me, no matter how different their opinion on the matter is. This isn't about who's right and who's wrong. This is about my feelings and my mental wellbeing, and I'm sorry if that sounds so bloody selfish, but when I start feeling so worthless and alone, I can't sit here and do nothing. Even if writing this blog post is the most I can do right now.

6 things I missed about my kitchen

In a kind of sequel to 6 things I missed about my bed, I am writing this list of things I missed about my kitchen. I went to visit my grandparents in Essex over new year and they don't have a normal gas or electric cooker or oven. They have an AGA. For those of you who have never had to deal with one of these things, it's like a massive hunk of whatever AGAs are made of (I think iron?) and it is always on. It' can be like having a fireplace in your kitchen but a metal block you put food in. But I have no idea how to do anything with it apart from make toast on the hob on the top. There are a few other mysteries about my grandparent's kitchen so here is my list of things I missed about my kitchen.

Take photos.

I am staying with my grandparents in Essex, in this little seaside town called Harwich. I really like taking photos at the beach.