Potential

My whole life has been dictated by potential. I don’t think I was ever really that smart. I mean, clearly I am not stupid because I care about grammar, and even if I can’t spell everything ever, I can’t bear not spelling something right, even if no one is going to see it or care. But really, for the most part, I don’t feel smart at all. I feel a jumble of facts and emotions but none of that makes me smart. And I compare myself to my peers far too much for my own good.


I have always been in the top set of my classes and I have always been told I am capable, that I have potential. And as I've gotten older and made people hate me, I've gotten the truth from them. And the truth is I'm not a genius. I am just a girl. A girl with some kind of reputation, always attached to this word - potential. But it’s hearsay and the more people get to know me the more they see that.

But their disappointment can’t rival mine, not at all. How do they think it feels to be told I am not allowed to drop down one set because I have potential and I have no say at all? How do they think it feels to hear that they had to make a choice between me and my far smarter classmate for who was going down a set and I was picked to stay in the top class even though I don’t deserve it? To be told my computer predicted grades are a full set of A*s at GCSE? All because I passed a couple of exams I took five years previous. I was 16 years old and everyone was sill playing the potential card - couldn't they see that I wasn't underachieving and it was just them pushing me too hard? That somewhere between the hype I was given in primary school and the shattering reality of secondary school, somewhere there I died. My brain decided it wasn't worth it, or it didn't care, or, I don’t know, maybe it saw these people I was suddenly competing with and switched off. As long as I know I'm the best, why should I care if anyone else knows, why do I have to prove it? I don’t know, I can’t even remember being 11 years old. Of course I wasn't the best, not by a long shot and that depressed me thoroughly. I spent years lying on my bed ignoring the world because they wanted too much and I was not prepared to even try because I didn't believe in myself. I still don’t believe the hype I had. It was ridiculous. I upset teachers by not trying enough or not being my apparent potential and there was nothing I could do. I don’t think anyone realised it, that it wasn't about me not trying or not caring (although by the time it was an apparent issue, I guess I had given up trying or caring anyway), it was just me trying to cope with too much.

My GCSEs are a mixed bag. An A or two, plenty of Bs, a C, a D and an E. Not one A* in sight. I was the only one of my friends not to get one. Yes, it hurt a bit, I suppose. But it was about me not fitting in with everyone else, not me pretty much failing Graphics or performing badly in my summer exams. I cared about feeling dumber than my friends, about being second rate compared to them. It was not about me not being the best me. 

The best thing that ever happened to me was college. I took a portfolio of my photographs to the interview and talked about my interest in tv and it was just me as I was then that got me in. The only grades they cared about were my Bs in English and maths. I got there and no one knew anything about me. No one knew how my so called potential had been slowing killing me for six years. No one bothered me to achieve the highest grades, they just cared about me handing the work in on time and for it to be good enough to pass. No one assumed watch over me to make sure I kept to my deadlines, which used to be the biggest problem in the world for me. I was trusted for once. For once. The beauty of it makes me want to cry. Of course now I've started achieving I have a couple of teachers on my back to get those high grades and it annoys me to no end. But the teachers who aren't give me hope that no one cares so heavily about any issues I used to have or currently have and this clean slate is perfect. They don’t know anything about it and telling them might make them care and I don’t need anyone caring. I suffered through people caring about me and it made me hate myself. Such a perfect paradox. The teachers treat me right at college and I don’t want to spoil that.

I can’t say it would have changed how my grades turned out or how I feel about myself if people had cared a little bit less about what I was suppose to achieve compared to what I was actually achieving but I can bet anything I am not the only one who thought they would die over how much potential they seemed to have compared to their actual ability and drive. And I wish people knew it was okay not to live up to everything everyone else wants you to be. You shouldn't have to regret your youth and have it filled with sadness and worry because it sets the tone for the rest of your life, until you do something to change everything. I used to think change was the worst thing in the world but if you make the right change, nothing's so difficult anymore. It takes a lot of courage and it might feel like giving up or bowing out but you matter, and your mental and emotional health matter. You shouldn't pretend it doesn't, not for anything, not for grades or achievements or how someone else thinks you should be. You matter most.